My mother has been begging me to go to Wal-Mart with her so we can get to some food before we both starve to death. Tuesday? Nah...I was too tired from Mock Trial. It's intense stuff, you know.

Thursday? Ahh...more mock trial. And play rehearsal. We just couldn't fit in in our busy schedules to eat.

So we've been living off of Andes chocolate mints and Caffeine-Free Diet Dr. Pepper (which tastes like toilet water, by the way) for about the past five days. We practically have malnutrition, it's so bad.

And when you mix Andes with the Caffeine-Free Diet Toilet Water? Nuh-uh. It's just doesn't agree with you. Especially when it's dinnertime and somewhere in the process of digesting the first Andes, your body realizes, "Hey, I already had this shit TWICE today! What the fuck is going on?"

And then comes the flow of CF-D Toilet Water, to which I can hear my body screaming, "Jesus Christ, you stupid malnourished bitch! You'll pay for this!!"

Why didn't I just drink the expired package of expired aggnog, then? you ask. Well, because my mother got to it first. Even if drinking eggs and...whatever (since there is no such thing as "nog" and that scares me) is totally disgusting and makes me hurl a metric ton of stomach acid, I would have done anything to escape the wrath of the CF-D Toilet Water.

Seriously. I tried to make my cat drink it, just to see how toxic the stuff actually IS, and she wouldn't touch it.

Ladies and Gentlemen, my cat drinks out of the toilet and sometimes eats her own throw-up. And yet she wouldn't touch Caffeine-Free Diet Dr. Pepper.

I'm thinking about writing to the government about this and demanding that Amnesty International be called in so that no human ever has to ingest that tasteless liquid shit ever again.

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I washed the blue dye out of my hair yesterday. It was like nothing you've ever seen. I mean, the second I stepped in the shower, it was like a giant shower of blueberry Kool-Aid.

And me, of course, in awe of this at the moment, had my mouth open, thus causing about 34207482 gallons of that disgusting shit to fall in my mouth.

So I was just standing there, blue-tongued and helpless, watching as gallon after gallon of blue dye came pouring out of seemingly nowhere.

So once I thought it was safe to move, since most of the dye had been rinsed out, I look down and realize that the flow of dye has turned my arms and legs BLUE. So I panic for a moment, slip on the soap, then scrub manically at my skin trying to get all the dye out so I won't look like a Smurf.

I scrubbed so much that the fucking LOOFAH was blue. And it didn't help much, since my legs were not only still somewhat blue, but now RED as well.

I then gave up, figuring that many country singers have gotten away with going out similarly dressed in public, so it shouldn't be a big deal if I wear long sleeves and pants.

Of course, long sleeves and pants, I think to myself. So why the hell did I just spend 15 grueling minutes trying to scrub dye off my skin when I knew for a fact I would wear long sleeves and pants today since it's approximately two degrees outside??

And I was at a loss. So I just turned off the shower, still dripping blue, and dried off as best I could, then went out to face the public about my Smurf-like coloration.

Later, at Mock Trial: "Alexa, why the hell are you BLUE?!?"

GGRRRRR.

"....Car accident?"

"Nice try."

© alexa

The counter keeps breaking and pissing me off, so NO MORE COUNTER! Mwahaha!