I have saved my money ALL FUCKING YEAR to buy these people some happy-assed shit for Christmas. And then what do I do? Wait until the LAST FUCKING MINUTE to buy any of it, when all the good stuff has already been picked over by ladies with dyed blonde hair and black roots, blue eyeshadow, and overly dramatic streaky red blush.

Let me start over.

Yesterday I drove to the mall. I say "drove," well, because I did. My mother (who must have a death wish) has this crazy, half-assed idea about how I need to be able to drive well under high-stress, exhaustign conditions.

You know, traffic jams and dumbasses cutting across six lanes of traffic. That kind of stuff.

So I gratefully take the keys thinking my mother may be a bit on the tipsy side, and we get to the mall without much trouble.

Once we actually GET to the mall, however, it is one Entirely Different Ball Game. The cell phone rings, I pick it up. I'm talking to Jessica while trying to turn into a parking lot with all of God's procrastinators trying to run me down, making me want to leap out of the car and stab something. This whole process takes about ten minutes, I'd say. And then the parking lot! Wooo, the parking lot!

I circled like a buzzard for eternity before I noticed some handicapped guy pulling out of a space right in front.

So, feeling quite evil in spite of the holiday season, I cackled with glee and pulled into the crippled mofo's parking space. Then I limped all the way to the door just in case mall security was going to come after me.

Ssoooo! Now I am inside the mall. The REAL FUCKING FUN starts now.

So me and my mother split up, and the very first thing I do is confirm with my handy-dandy cell phone that my frandparents have bought my father and his family their gifts from me already. Look, I know it's cheap and probably sacriligious, but it took me a WHOLE FUCKING YEAR to save up $120. I could only afford to fill up my mother's stocking and put a few presents under the tree. Nobody donated to the My Ass Is Poor Fund this year!!

First stop, Lancome counter, to buy some extremely overpriced flowery smelling shit that my mom is totally gaga over. Guess what said shit costs?

Guess again.

No. Higher.

SEVENTY FUCKING DOLLARS OF MY HOLY AND DIVINE CHRISTMAS FUND.

I GAVE UP SEVENTY FUCKING DOLLARS FOR SOMETHING THAT WILL BE OF NO USE TO ME AND WILL MAKE MY HOUSE SMELL LIKE COMPLETE SHIT.

Ggrrr.

But I bought it because my mother likes it and that's what Christmas is all about, eh? Gritting your teeth and having a seizure over spending so much money at one place at one time?

Then, a complete nervous wreck, I call Jessica back because I thought she was working today. (She works at this really cool-assed store in the mall called Restoration Hardware. And it doesn't sell hardware. Sike.) But she's not working. And my other friend, Heather, isn't working the Elizabeth Arden counter at Foley's today, either.

So I blow a kiss all wistfully and kiss my discounts goodbye.

I keep Jessica on the line for about a hour while I scramble about the mall trying to buy presents for my mom. I ran into three of my friends, Gavin (who works at Hollister and who played Gilbert, my love interest, in the show this summer; read some of my older entries), and my PSYCHO BIOLOGY TEACHER on the way. God, that was so weird.

But I ended up buying my mom four Yankee candles, the book Bridget Jones: On the Edge of Reason, three DVDs ("Sleepless in Seattle," "The Big Tease," and "As Good As It Gets"), and of course, the ridiculously expensive flowery smelling shit from Lancome. I believe it is called "Miracle."

This, of course, all has to go under the tree, because it is to big to fit in her fucking stocking. So I have to go back today and buy her stuff like candy and shit to put in it. Dammit!

Imagine Jekyll trying desperately not to turn into Hyde:

"Happy....HOLIDAYS! Aaaaagggghhhh!!!"

© alexa

The counter keeps breaking and pissing me off, so NO MORE COUNTER! Mwahaha!