No, I didn't go to Las Vegas.

No, I am not drunk.

No, I haven't ODed.

I just watched Jessica's video she made in Las Vegas.

She got back on Sunday night and Monday she came over to show me the video she made. It's totally incredible. I'm going back with her next summer, because we get to stay there free. Don't ask how or why, just nod and grin.

She stayed in the Bellagio, which has the giant fountains outside. (You'll recognize them from the end of the movie "Ocean's Eleven".) They do these water shows to music about every ten minutes at night, so she taped about five for me. They even did one to my all-time favorite song, "Big Spender." I was in heaven.

There's this street in Las Vegas called Freemont Street which is totally enclosed in this dome. It's like in a weird science fiction movie, yo. But they do these light shows on the top of the dome about every fifteen minutes and it's freak-awesome.

But the best part of the trip was the fact that prostitution is legal in Nevada, so we now have about three books that the hookers hand out on the corner. It's totally hilarious. I gave one to Mike for his birthday.

There's this club inside the Venician called Rum Jungle. The walls have flames inside them. There's a giant tower of just wine. Plus, they play this awesome jungle music, and hearing it makes you want to get up and do the shake-it dance.

Can you tell I'm totally in Las Vegas mode?

I actually learned to dance like the people in "Fosse" because they had some people in Caesar's Palace doing it. I mean, now I can dance to "Sing Sing Sing" like nobody's business. It's a great way to show off at parties.

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Anyway, orientation last Friday was completely pointless. I sat in front of the World's Most Obnoxious Teenagers. They kicked and made fart noises through the whole seminar.

And after that, I had to wait in line for two hours just to get my schedule and my ID tag. It was just refrickindiculous.

Speaking of the word "frickin," let me give a brief review of the movie "Goldmember" which I have now seen twice.

Funny....as....hell.

Period. And all the Beyonce haters are just in denial that she actually did a better job than Elizabeth Hurley and three Heather Grahams combined. My favorite part would have to be the "Hard-Knock Life" rap in the Georgia prison. I already ahve it halfway memorized.

What can I say, I'm a dork.

No....wait.

My favorite part is within the first five minutes of the movie, when Britney Spears's head explodes. Yes, that's right folks...BRITNEY'S A FEMBOT!!!

I've been waiting for that ever since the first movie was released. It was so fulfilling and so perfect at the same time.

The deafening applause from the theatre made it all the more enjoyable.

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News on the Oral Fixation front: Still long-ish and absolutely beautfiul. It's like the Pilgrims looking at the first Thanksgiving dinner, even though the Hypocritical Pilgrims commited mass genocide by giving the Indians blankets infested with the smallpox virus.

You can have you soapbox back now.

But Bjorn, my Inner Viking, keeps threatening to strangle me if I so much as make my fingernails peel. Yes, that's right, I'm scared as hell of myself.

No, not myself.

Bjorn.

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My cat is still making the Satan-Noise at the kittens. But the kittens have now learned a way to crawl into a kitchen drawer filled with pots and pans to escape my oh-so-murderous feline.

And when the kittens escape, she just makes the Satan-Noise even more possessed-sounding. I mean, she sounds really pissed. If a cat could be pissed, that is.

But I guess they can be, because my Sumo-Cat Ginger gets really pissed at me when I throw her out of my room (well, proverbially throw, because I can't actually pick her up) or when I forget to feed her every few hours.

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And hey, if you're feelin' blue because I'm not here, just think about Britney's head exploding.

It's guaranteed to make your day or your money back.

© alexa

The counter keeps breaking and pissing me off, so NO MORE COUNTER! Mwahaha!