But I'm back: sunburned, pissy, and cynical as ever. Here is the reason why.

Day One:

7:43- I am rudely awakened by my mother, who is in a frenzy trying to pack at the last minute. So I get up, get dressed, etc.

7:50- Start packing the car.

8:02- We leave and promptly lose the map. Picture me and my mother in a screaming frenzy because now we're going to get lost on our way to Florida because we lost the damned map.

8:04- We find the map. Praise Jesus.

9:05- My favorite radio station cuts out after a fifteen minute long bout with static. I put on my headphones and start whistling "Zippidy Doo Da" out of my asshole.

9:27- Stop at the first rest area we pass.

10:26- Stop at yet another rest area: this in an illustration of exactly how little fluids my mother's bladder can hold.

10:33- The Check Oil light comes on. Mom freaks out because she thought it was full and it has to be because she checked it before we left. And we all know that mothers are never wrong.

10:43- Stop at another rest area to check the oil. It's full all right; Mom is still paranoid. Some nearby guy from Oklahoma saw my mother about to have a seizure or a severe stroke and he came over to help. So Nice Dude checks the oil and sure enough, by golly, it's full. But the damned Check Oil light is still on.

11:10- Stop at a Shell station for gas and oil. Mike calls; he talks us through changing the oil, just to be sure. But we don't have a funnel, so we have to use a folded us piece of paper. (This is my mother's idea of "roughing it.")

1:27- Arrive at The Sheraton in all it's air conditioned glory and we check in after we have our car valet parked. That's right, kiddies: Valet Parked. I'm movin' on up!

2:45- ........Still waiting in the hotel lobby for our room to be ready. I am one punctual bitch, and I hate having to wait on other people's slow asses.

3:16- We are given our room, finally.

3:31- Leave to go down to the pool. Apply SPF 3298709472 sunscreen generously.

4:10- Return from the pool dripping wet. I discover that in fact, we have no towels. (Damned maid service.) So I have to stand in front of the air conditioning to dry off.

4:20- Finally dry.

5:32- Leave for the mall. I only bought a book at B. Dalton's, in case you were interested and/or stalking me. I have an unhealthy fascination with Agatha Christie mystery books, and I always think I can solve the crime before the detective does. I am never right.

6:02- Drive through McDonalds where the person taking my order was sooooooo slooooow I wanted to reach through the microphone and strangle him to death before he said "Will that be all for you?" And I reply: "Yeah, that'll be all, you slow bastard! Now you make sure that the McDonalds workers are out there slaughtering the dogs for my hamburger, milking the cows for the cheese, and picking the heads of lettuce. Good boy!"

6:15- Arrive back at the hotel after the Learning Disabled McDonalds. I watch "Beat the Geeks" while I'm eating my very nutricious meal. I believe this would constitute an 8 on the Nerd Scale.

6:58- "Beat the Geeks" is over, sadly. but to my great delight, it is followed by two hours of the British version of "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" I am bursting with excitement!

7:05- Realized that the British version is not actually funny.

9:55- Take a break from reading because I have a crick in my neck that feels like someone has wedged a sledgehammer between my second and third vertebrae.

11:03- Fall asleep watching David Letterman. Fun first day, huh?

Day Two:

9:58- Mom wakes me up to tell me that she's going down to the spa. Wonderful. I grunt, roll over, and go back to sleep.

10:20- My lazy ass is still lying in bed. The hotel room is so cold that I'm constantly curled up in a fetal position, shivering.

12:54- Still in the room, watching a "doggie wedding" story on Animal Planet, which cost over $20,000! the dogs even have their own room, bathroom, and wardrobes! What moron actuall treats their dog like that? Whoever does needs to be dragged through town, beaten with a whip with small glass pieces attached to the end, and then shot.

1:27- Leave to go down to the pool to tell Mom to stop frying herself and come upstairs.

2:51- Leave to go explore downtown.

3:06- Exit henna tattoo parlor with a tattoo on my right wrist.

3:14- Stop for a strawberry daquiri at Fudpucker's. That's right, folks: Fudpucker's. Say that five times fast. I think their rule is that you can drink as much as you want, as long as you can say the name right.

3:30 Arrive in downtown Destin. We drive around for a little while before we decide to visit downtown Fort Walton....

3:41- ....but Target is our only stop.

4:30- My henna tattoo is finally dry.

6:02- Stop to eat dinner at The Crab Trap. Daquiri Count: 2.

6:34- Back at the hotel.

6:40- Explore the hotel gift shop like the nosy tourist I am, but I only buy a postcard and a Snickers bar.

7:04- Back in the room after playing with cheap gift-shop toys for twenty minutes. What can I say; I am easily amused.

7:30- Find that "Young Frankenstein" is on Comedy Central. Hooray!

8:41- Top layer of henna is peeling. Hurts like hell! Remind me to take a shot of drugs before I ever get henna done again.

8:44- Wrist is now throbbing with pain and turning a very unhealthy-looking shade of red.

8:56- Walk down to sauna, but it's waaay too hot to get in. Jesus, who are they trying to fry? It was 104 fucking degrees in there!

10:01- In bed watching "The Daily Show."

12:14- Fall asleep watching Conan O'Brien, who is on my top-ten list of favorite people in the world.

Day Three:

9:54- Wake up to a knocking sound and a woman yelling "HOUSE KEEPEEN!" outside the door. I open the door and explain that we don't need anything. "NO ENGLISH! NO ENGLISH!" she says. So I make the umpire signal for safe, trying to tell the crazy lady that we don't need any damn towels, and not to come knocking at our door at wee damn hours of the morning. Since I can't go back to bed, I get up and make some coffee.

12:19- Put on bathing suit and SPF 342970253 sunscreen and go down to the pool.

2:24- Come back from pool/beach and take a shower to rinse off this Mystery Green Slime which smells really bad and is just overall disgusting. I had another strawberry daquiri at the pool's swim-up bar. How cool is that? I mean, you swim up, and get a daquiri in a coconut! Fuck Awesome, is what it is!!

4:49- Leave for dinner at Fudpucker's.

5:25- Leave Fudpucker's for downtown Destin. I play in the water fully clothed and am totally miserable and sandy until I am dry.

6:54- Arrive at Dippin' Dots, Former Ice Cream O' The Crapper. (I got so sick the last time I ate there. But stupid me, I go back again. I am such a fucking moron.) We run into Leslie Schilling, my friend who played Columbia in the Rocky Horror Show. (Not to be confused with the Rocky Horror Picture Show. She was in the stage version which I saw at the cast party of a show I was in last summer.) She's staying at her condo in Destin, and we talk for awhile, and I talk shit about a realtor in Destin who wouldn't book a condo for me. Her and her crazy-assed self booked in February, which is why she got the deal she did. Once again, it is confirmed: I have shit for brains when it comes to booking hotels.

7:43- Back at the hotel.

10:42- In bed watching David Letterman put a crab down his pants. This is good entertainment, folks.

12:16- Fall asleep watching Conan O'Brien again.

Day Four:

8:03- Mom wakes me up to tell me she's going to be beach one last time. Out of instinct, I grunt, roll over, and go back to sleep.

9;27- I am now fully awake watching Regis and Kelly.

10:11- We check out and head for home.

12:27- Stop for lunch at Subway. Coincidently, it is the same Subway where we ate lunch on our way there.

1:47- Stop at a rest area. Unknowingly, we go in to use the bathroom and it is totally pouring down rain when we are done. So we run for it and get totally soaked.

3:13- Back home, finally. Jessica's car is in the driveway. She came to feed the cats before we got home and her car died! So she was stuck there for two whole hours before we got there. So we jump-started her car and then promptly plopped down on the sofa like two lazy bitches back from one hell of a vacation.

Official Punchbuggy Count:

Me: 27. Mom: 46. Dammit.

And get this: I didn't bite my nails the entire time, Mwahahaha! Go to hell, oral fixation! You control me no more!

I am one determined bitch!!!!!!

(Oh, you wanted pictures, did you? Why....you demanding little bastards! Oh, all right....here they are.)

© alexa

The counter keeps breaking and pissing me off, so NO MORE COUNTER! Mwahaha!